What Do the Words Do for Me?
Words, to me, mean power.
Once, a person I considered a friend for over some years suggested I stop writing in English because it wasn't my native language. This wasn't just patronizing; it was gaslighting and racist. But no matter what she said or did, one thing I knew for sure was that I would never stop writing. And then I realized that writing is the only thing I would come back to all the time. Thus, I choose writing over other notions.
Let's look at this from her perspective. Maybe she told me to stop because she knew I was a good writer. As there is a habit of undermining anyone who shows the potential to outshine another. Beyond her attempts to belittle me, she even hid books in the library when we were writing term papers on the same topic. Typical academic games.
But I want to address why I write in English. Returning to China at nearly seven years old made it difficult for me to keep up in school. My struggles with Chinese led to poor performance, especially in Chinese and Math. Learning English leveled the playing field and motivated me to dedicate most of my time to this subject.
Motivated by this, I chose English Literature as my major in university. Hoping to read and fully understand English fiction, I transferred to a university overseas. There, I read extensively, wrote numerous papers, and kept my diaries in English. In addition to earning a BA in English Literature, I obtained a Diploma in Library & Information Technology, which led to a permanent job at a library after.
My time in school was challenging. Instead of enjoying classes, reading books, and engaging in discussions with classmates, I juggled five part-time jobs while studying full-time. International students in Canada needed to maintain full-time status to renew their study permits (reference).
I have different relationships with all three languages I speak. I speak Japanese with elders and consume Japanese books and radio for comfort. I speak Chinese with people I grew up with, always wary of their true intentions. I read Chinese for exams.
Before moving to Canada, I spoke English to express myself, to hide my secret that I could not share with my parents, and to tell stories. I gained additional facets of my personality through English. After moving, despite experiencing various forms of discrimination, especially linguistic discrimination, I found strength in English. Many English speakers look down on others’ accents, believing themselves superior simply because they speak English.
Words mean power to me. I still write to express myself, to fight, and to understand myself. Through writing, I become myself.
I don't need to guide my readers on how to interpret my writings. I write for myself. It's not about nobility or writing for others. Few people have ever written for someone like me, so if I don't write for myself, who will?
No shame in saying it again: words mean power to me. I write for myself, for comfort, and to gain strength.
all copyright reserve ©Cordelia Shan
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